Our New Look (it was ours first)

We hope you like our new look – it matches our new attitude.

You see, when Amazon started getting judges like Ivan Reitman and Shane Black to show up, it was hard for us to keep ranting about how Amazon was going to fold any day. When they doubled the monthly prize money – uh, well, shit… that was a blow too.

Now Amazon is becoming a real production company, staffing up and developing projects, we just have one thing to say…

FUCK YOU AMAZON!

That’s right. Fuck you assholes. Thanks to you shit heads, and your ever improving contest, nobody is reading our blog anymore. Traffic is down and the ads are gone. We needed that money! Walmart has cut back on our hours and our Mom started hiding her pocketbook.

Worse, the sophisticated and thoughtful debate in our forums is now basically the same 6 guys, saying the same 6 things… in every article… over…. and over… and over… again.

So we need to change things up. We’ve decided to become more accessible. We’ll bring you light chat, human interest stories and a new positive outlook. If that doesn’t work… gulp… we may have to take more drastic measures.

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An open letter to Roy Danger Price…

My Dear Mr. Price

I’m sure I need no introduction.

 

 

Besides, as the shadowy, supreme, Auditor of Amazon, the details of my identity are quite inconsequential. I know full well that our crack team of former Fox News fact checkers, ex-Enron accountants, and Karl Rove White House interns, have become the bain of your pathetic existence. You’ve seen our blog on WordPress and our posts in your forums. No? Well, just look for the guy who is always bitching, but doesn’t have a script or film. That’s ME. Uh, I mean, THAT’S US. And our numbers continue to grow. We are legion with tens of unemployed (f-ck you too, Walmart), nacho eating, basement dwelling, followers in North American alone.

I’m everyone and know everything. The truth I make up in undeniable. Amazon must change. Therefore, I decided to provide you with a definitive, detailed analysis of the site in the hopes that you will consider my exhaustive research and take the steps required to improve.

Here goes:

You Suck.

Your website sucks.

Your contestants suck.

Studios Steph sucks.

Your rules sucks.

Your reviews suck.

Your forums suck.

Test movies suck.

The color of your sidebars suck.

The font selection on the homepage sucks.

The top 1000 scripts suck.

The top 100 scripts suck.

The top 50 scripts suck.

LA Confidential sucks.

All movies NOT written by Craig Mazin and John August suck.

Curtis Hanson sucks and blows (and I have pictures).

If you had a child, its name would be suck.

If you were to develop the cure for cancer, it would suck.

If a screenplay on Amazon inspired Palestine and Israel to negotiate peace, it would suck.

Your black sweater doesn’t suck, but wearing it without a t-shirt does (someone is going to be a Mr. Smelly under all those hot lights).

The fact that you clearly go to the gym sucks.

Your slender yet toned physique sucks.

Your hynotic, roguish, charm, sucks.

The strange way you stare at me and seem to peer into my very soul, sucks.

The mind games you keep playing with me suck.

They suck so bad, Roy.

The way you won’t return my calls or letters sucks.

It sucks that you refused the Harry and David pears I sent you  – twice!

Who refuses Harry and David pears? They’re delicious and full of anti-oxidants.

I painted a picture of you and I running on the beach, like Sly Stallone and Carl Weathers did in Rocky III, Roy.

It sucked.

Anyway, movies with actresses whose name begin with the letter “P” suck.

Old people suck.

Babies suck.

Kittens suck.

Why didn’t you take the damn pears, Roy?

Crying alone in my mother’s basement sucks.

Watching Steel Magnolias sucks.

Julia Robert dying sucks.

Am I crying over the you, the pears or Sally Field’s tour de force performance now, Roy?

Puppies sucks.

Orphans with disabilities who should be bitter, but transcend their circumstances, suck.

If George Lucas, Stephen Spielberg and Christopher Nolan came to Amazon fused their genetic material together, incemented Nora Ephron, and she gave birth to child, and that child went to USC, received an MFA in screenwriting, bummed around Europe for a year, wrote a screenplay, and then posted it on your site, it would suck.

Orphans with disabilities who are just bitter, suck

Suck.

Sucking.

Sucking suck sucks.

It sucks when that happens.

In closing, I’ll just say that I really want Amazon to succeed.  Please consider all my thoughtfully researched and respectfully submitted suggestions.

I’ll be watching (and eating two boxes of pears, and crying, but mostly watching)

The REAL Auditorz