Category Archives: Uncategorized

Love The Baby

We’re still working on Part 2 of our Auditorz/Stern/Mezzy opus, but we noticed today that the other guyz put a post up today that celebrated Richard Stern’s script falling to the number #2 spot on Amazon scripts. That’s cool, but why make fun of the guy’s kid? Specifically leading with the headline, “Kick The Baby.” That’s not cool, guys.

Now that Sterno’s little one is back in the #1 spot we suggest an alternative….

Jury is still out on Stern as a writer, but as proud mamas and papas ourselves, we like the kid.

UPDATED:

Sorry, Mezzy. We deleted your comment. Say anything you want about the Amazon contest or the people who participate.  Comments about people’s children, or their parenting skills, goes too far, though.  There are lots of people on AS who have posted pictures of themselves, their children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, etc… Jeff/Auditorz actually has one posted. This is not a reason to attack them. Let’s keep it about the work and the conduct of participants, please. 

HOLY CRAP

Our traffic doubled today from our all-time high. And we thought THEO was a hot story. We now understand why the Jeff likes to talk about Stern and Mezzy. Those dingleberries are fucking traffic machines. We’re gonna post something about those bitches everyday from now on!!!!!!!

The Auditorz Saga: Part 1, “You fuck with me, now I fuck with you”

DISCLAIMER

We barely graduated from high school. It’s fun investigating leads and shit, we do the best we can, but ultimately, this entire article is a guess. This isn’t a court of law. We’re not prosecutors or judges. We’re just a bunch of guys following a story. Take a look at what we’ve learned and make up your own mind. 

Everything is better with smart, hot, asian chicks talking about auditing… mmmmm… internal and external auditing, baby.

We digress… The REAL auditorz received a comment on the piece we did on Theo that said…

“Hey Mezzy, like the site. Want a scoop on Stern and J Nel? Email me.”

Once and for all… we’re not Mezzy. We did want the scoop, though. So we emailed our tipster. He’s an Amazon writer who we also know from TriggerStreet. He’s legit, but didn’t want the spotlight on this one, so until the authorities come for us, we’ve agreed to keep his identity private. Although, he’s reserved the right to post a piece in the future.

Like many readers, we’ve wondered why the other guys have taken such an interest in Mr. Stern. We’re not fans of this fellas work, but we haven’t exactly seen him acting like a total asshole either. Truthfully, we haven’t seen him much at all and we’ve NEVER seen him talking about the Auditorz. The worst you could say is that he’s arrogant, but come on, we’re arrogant. Anyone that writes “Fade Out” and wins a prize thinks they’re Bill Friggin’ Goldman these days. Even fucking Gary, who is the salt of the earth, is writing editorials and starting contests of his own for christsakes.

Don’t get us wrong, we’re not defending or even liking, Mr. Stern. He’s got a house, wife and kids – we live in a basement. Fuck him. We just want to know what makes him so special?

Our tipster claims that Mezzy wasn’t lying when he posted in the Amazon forums:

“I hacked the auditor blog recently and it is indeed J Nel or Jeff Nelson running it. I’m unsure if there are other people writing posts and sending them to J Nel to throw up on that blog. But the ip matched where J Nel lists he’s from. Read his script Inferno and you’ll see what writing level the auditor is at. SPOILER ALERT – he’s a shitty writer.”

Our tipster claims Jeff is not alone and Charlie Chan a.k.a. Banana Fish is involved too, but we’ve only seen circumstantial evidence – so we don’t want to give him credit / sully his name unnecessarily.

But our tipster highlighted an apparently history between J Nel and Mr. Stern. And in this series of articles, we hope to show through Jeff/Auditorz beef with Stern began, in part, as a response to a to an event that we’ll call the SINGULARITY (yes, we’re Star Trek geeks, motherfuckers).

Early on, Jeff and Sterny got along. Stern posted in his forum, so Jeff posted in his forum. Stern posted a trailer, so Jeff got the same guy who did Stern’s to do one too. It’s like the beginning of Single White Female between these two mammy-rammers.

Then the singularity occurred. Supposedly, Jeff and a few friends got their nose out of whack that folks were padding their reviews on AS. They decided to take action. The story goes that J Nel took it personally upon himself to “call some people out” the result is a series of posts under the name “Richard W.” This was allegedly the first time Jeff assumed a fake identity on the site and started “auditing.” He may have used “Richard W.” intentionally to implicate, Mr. Stern. That part of the story is murky at best. What is clear is that Stern gets it in his head that Jeff  is behind the post and accuses Jeff here:

http://studios.amazon.com/discussions/Tx219HMKG5PQEXR?page=2

That alone doesn’t mean much. Just two dumb shits accusing one another of crap. And believe us, we’ve been pouring through posts by these two fucking loudmouths for the past 24 hours… they’re both fucking verbose motherfuckers who love to read their words in print(like us!!). Stern is spouting off about the spec market. Shut the fuck up!! Jeff makes a series of posts where teaches screenwriting (these do sound eerily like a clean version of the Auditorz, though). Both of you guys need to get a life.

But we digress…

After the SINGULARITY occurred, the very next day we’re told, Mr. Stern turns an otherwise sparkling review of Jeff Nelson’s opus “Inferno” into a one-star slam. You can see it here:

It was this argument and insult that turned Jeff on Richard. The next day, we’ve been told there was a forum posted by “Sleuth” on Stern’s account. What followed was an epic confrontation between these two nitwits. This, apparently, was deleted by Amazon and is allegedly, again, Jeff. In the weeks ahead, Jeff/Auditorz went on a tear where there were many more posts/ slams that led up to the now infamous HOOVERGATE scandal.

Was it Jeff? Was it Charlie? Are the Auditorz really a creation of Mr. Stern himself? Don’t make up your mind yet…

STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO: ATTACK OF THE AUDITORZ:

– Long before HOOVERGATE why were the Auditorz attacking Stern then bragging about it in forums?

– Who was really behind HOOVERGATE?

– Why are the Auditorz working day and night to discredit Mezzy?

– Is Theo really Roy Price?

These answers and many lay ahead….

Sincerely,

The REAL Auditorz

We’ve Been Deep Throated!

Drama!!!!!!!

We always thought it was weird that the other auditorz have singled out Richard Stern and Rob Ross (aka Mezzy) as the boogeymen of Amazon.

Yes, they’re hacks – but so are we.

Then this morning we received a comment that had some juicy revelations about the other auditorz and the REAL reason they hate Richard Stern and Rob Ross (aka Mezzy) so much. We haven’t published the comment yet because we want to see if what this person says is true. If it is, well, it doesn’t look good.

We started this site as a joke. We have no aspirations to be taken seriously. We’re not Mezzy or Stern, but it seems we’re being roped into this fight. So we’re going to put it to our readers…

Do you want to know the truth?

Theo Speaks!

Theo Rossi finally came out of hiding and published this in our comments section today:

I don’t care what you write about me as a person within reason, but you 
can’t use my copyrighted images and script. So, please remove it. Anyone 
in this business knows you can not use copyrighted images and text without 
written permission.Obviously you have no clue.The reason we have closed 
websites because of assholes like you, who has no respect for material 
created by others. It was a good decison. Dude, the burden of proof is 
on YOU to prove your audience that you’re correct what you’re saying is 
true about me. Until then, you’re just a blowing smoke through your ass. 
That’s the way it works in the court, if you accuse someone, you better 
be right and have proof. You have none. Evidently you have a problem 
with people who made it in this business and well off financially 
as I am. So, be it, and let your petty, vindictive personality 
show the world how you really are. I could care less. But be 
careful with your post(s) when you’re trying to destroy my 
reputation and business. That, my friend, is a no-no. Google 
the recent tweet by someone badmouthing a person in business and 
they had to pay $450,000 in damages for that ‘freedom of speech’ 
kind of thing. I assume you haven’t a pot to piss in, so I 
can’t sue you and it would be waste of my time, but I have 
other recources/options at my disposal and may use it if you 
continue.Being desperate and trying to use anyone and anything 
to get attention to your blog is showing. Attacking Calvin, a pastor
who is very decent person, because he is my friend is uncalled 
for. This is the first and last message I’ll leave here and never 
come back. If my copyrighted work is not taken down, I’ll report 
you to wordpress and let them deal with you. Just in case you are 
deleting this message, I’ll post it on the ‘real’ auditorz site as well. 
Unlike a fake one as yours, who couldn’t come up with an original 
name and had to steal that one due to lack of imagination. 
I’ll have someone check on this site if have complied with 
my request to remove copyrighted works belongs to me.
Theo

Petty? Vindictive? Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black, Theo?

You spend nearly everyday on an attack blog. You rag on Amazon – which we can understandBut you also rag on other writers – which we don’t. You’re unyielding and positively vapid. You tear apart their work, mercilessly. Your basis for doing so is a claim of “expertise” and all we’re saying (in our smart-ass way) is we’d like to see your credentials.

We searched a number of industry recognized resources and could not find your name anywhere. We found no credits for you. We found no press releases with your name. We found no listing for you in the writers, directors or producers guilds. For someone “who made it in the business” and is as “financially well-off” as you claim you are, we think that’s strange. 

Even stranger, the one writing sample we did find for you wasn’t very good. Everything about it – format, content, tone, grammar – all suggested that you were not an accomplished writer, but rather, an amateur.

In the United States, when someone claims that something written about them is false (libel), the burden is on THEM to prove it. Not the other way around. We want to be fair to you, Theo. A single verifiable credit from you would completely destroy the tiny shred of credibility we have and win you a complete, total, apology.

We don’t censor our boards, so you can publicly post it here. If you want to keep your real identity private, send the credit to us, let us verify it, and we’ll agree not to publish the details. If you don’t trust us, let the other auditorz verify it and send us their blessing. 

Otherwise, our original posts stands. You’ve been called out, and spanked, for being an asshole. Happens to the best of us.



NEW HIGH SCORE!!!!

The REAL Auditorz just had their most trafficked day evah!!!

Talking smack about people you don’t really know is the key to blogosphere stardom!

An open letter to Roy Danger Price…

My Dear Mr. Price

I’m sure I need no introduction.

 

 

Besides, as the shadowy, supreme, Auditor of Amazon, the details of my identity are quite inconsequential. I know full well that our crack team of former Fox News fact checkers, ex-Enron accountants, and Karl Rove White House interns, have become the bain of your pathetic existence. You’ve seen our blog on WordPress and our posts in your forums. No? Well, just look for the guy who is always bitching, but doesn’t have a script or film. That’s ME. Uh, I mean, THAT’S US. And our numbers continue to grow. We are legion with tens of unemployed (f-ck you too, Walmart), nacho eating, basement dwelling, followers in North American alone.

I’m everyone and know everything. The truth I make up in undeniable. Amazon must change. Therefore, I decided to provide you with a definitive, detailed analysis of the site in the hopes that you will consider my exhaustive research and take the steps required to improve.

Here goes:

You Suck.

Your website sucks.

Your contestants suck.

Studios Steph sucks.

Your rules sucks.

Your reviews suck.

Your forums suck.

Test movies suck.

The color of your sidebars suck.

The font selection on the homepage sucks.

The top 1000 scripts suck.

The top 100 scripts suck.

The top 50 scripts suck.

LA Confidential sucks.

All movies NOT written by Craig Mazin and John August suck.

Curtis Hanson sucks and blows (and I have pictures).

If you had a child, its name would be suck.

If you were to develop the cure for cancer, it would suck.

If a screenplay on Amazon inspired Palestine and Israel to negotiate peace, it would suck.

Your black sweater doesn’t suck, but wearing it without a t-shirt does (someone is going to be a Mr. Smelly under all those hot lights).

The fact that you clearly go to the gym sucks.

Your slender yet toned physique sucks.

Your hynotic, roguish, charm, sucks.

The strange way you stare at me and seem to peer into my very soul, sucks.

The mind games you keep playing with me suck.

They suck so bad, Roy.

The way you won’t return my calls or letters sucks.

It sucks that you refused the Harry and David pears I sent you  – twice!

Who refuses Harry and David pears? They’re delicious and full of anti-oxidants.

I painted a picture of you and I running on the beach, like Sly Stallone and Carl Weathers did in Rocky III, Roy.

It sucked.

Anyway, movies with actresses whose name begin with the letter “P” suck.

Old people suck.

Babies suck.

Kittens suck.

Why didn’t you take the damn pears, Roy?

Crying alone in my mother’s basement sucks.

Watching Steel Magnolias sucks.

Julia Robert dying sucks.

Am I crying over the you, the pears or Sally Field’s tour de force performance now, Roy?

Puppies sucks.

Orphans with disabilities who should be bitter, but transcend their circumstances, suck.

If George Lucas, Stephen Spielberg and Christopher Nolan came to Amazon fused their genetic material together, incemented Nora Ephron, and she gave birth to child, and that child went to USC, received an MFA in screenwriting, bummed around Europe for a year, wrote a screenplay, and then posted it on your site, it would suck.

Orphans with disabilities who are just bitter, suck

Suck.

Sucking.

Sucking suck sucks.

It sucks when that happens.

In closing, I’ll just say that I really want Amazon to succeed.  Please consider all my thoughtfully researched and respectfully submitted suggestions.

I’ll be watching (and eating two boxes of pears, and crying, but mostly watching)

The REAL Auditorz