Category Archives: Talkin’ Smack
Theo Rossi has been kicking around Amazon Studios for a long time (shit, that old fart has been kicking around the world a long time). He’s boasted publicly about being a very successful and well-connected producer / director / film executive who retired to a life of independent cinema.
Interestingly, he’s refused on many occasions to supply any real details about his life experience. It isn’t even clear that Theo Rossi is his real name.
What is clear, though, is that he’s opinionated — and yes — a bit of a jerk. So much so, we’ve often thought of Theo and his buddy the good Reverend Calvin (all that bible stuff about not gossiping doesn’t apply to talking smack online, right padre?) as Amazon’s very own Statler & Waldorf:
Today, Theo changed all that. Check out this post he just threw up on Amazon:
Theo isn’t a cantankerous old dude who likes run his mouth. He’s a total and complete ass-clown whose only real talent is kissing the collective arses of other anonymous ass-clowns — like us.
Seriously, Theo hasn’t posted any work on Amazon Studios. He talks a great game about how talented he is and what an authority his vast experience makes him – BUT WON’T ACTUALLY SHOW ANYONE HIS WORK.
Moreover, what kind of person visits a site EVERY DAY for a contest he claims to despise?
We put this question to our crack squad of FoxNews interns and former Enron auditorz. They did some digging and here’s what they found:
First, check out http://thechemistmovie.com. There you’ll find Theo’s idea of a compelling teaser website.
Check out this all-pro poster:
CENSORED BY THEO ROSSI (Theo asked that we don’t use his image, so we’ve just taken a screen shot of his publicly available webpage instead – you can also visit it directly, if he doesn’t pull the site down)
We found it incredibly sketchy that this project has no synopsis, casting information or director’s statement. How exactly do you cast actors without telling them ANYTHING about your film, wise one? If you can believe it, his company website for t-rex bones productions has even less information.
Then we really looked at the poster – Theo’s creative vision, if you will – and it’s basically a creepy old dude checking out a hot goth chick. We’re betting that’s Theo, by the way. What do you want to wager he hangs around Starbucks propositioning every “actress” he sees. Fame and fortune await, but first, we’ll need to do a screen test in the back of Uncle Theo’s van, darling…
CREEPY OLD PERVERT ALERT:
So maybe he’s a lousy director and producer. And maybe he is a creepy old dude. That doesn’t mean he’s not a great writer, right?
We found the following radio play hiding out on his website – judge for yourself:
CENSORED BY THEO ROSSI (Theo asked we take his writing sample down and we did. Yadda, yadda, yadda – it sucked)
We think Family Guy did it better, Theo:
Theo, you’re a hack. Worse, you’re a preening hack with delusions of grandeur. If you have (or had) any talent, it is completely absent from anything we found online. That’s the lesson that everyone involved in Amazon Studios should learn from Theo. People who actually have talent don’t hide it from the world. They also don’t vapidly criticize everyone else’s work for sport. Only hacks like us and Uncle Theo do that.
Please friends, be wary of people like Theo Rossi. Be wary of us! If someone is so talented that they CANNOT post their work on Amazon (or anywhere else) you should call bullshit instead of letting them rant on. People who are genuinely talented don’t spend their days tearing other people down. That’s what people who are bitter and frustrated do – again, we should know.
Prove us wrong, Theo. Please share a writing sample and we’ll post it here and eat our words. Ten pages from any script, and any ten pages will do.
Your friends The REAL Auditorz
It has come to our attention that the impostors, whose name we shall not utter on this site, have been crowing about their recent spike in traffic.
This got us thinking…
There are only 6 people commenting on their site (and we’re pretty sure at least two of them are the boys from Cincinnati themselves. Didn’t you know that that’s where 2 of the ringleaders of that stupid blog were from? More on that later.) They also lost ads on their blog, which means that they have fallen below 25,000 pageviews a month. Note we said pageviews, not visitors. They could easily soar past that number if they were really getting 2500 unique visitors a day. And then there is this odd mistake where they acknowledge that while they said 2500 HITS originally, they really meant UNIQUE VISITORS. This is a mistake nobody would ever make who has spent five minutes running a website, much less the last 5 months.
What does all this mean?
They’re cooking the books. We’ve known for sometime that their site has been on the decline. This may come as a shock, but besides the two geriatric blowhards that live in their comments section, nobody gives a rats ass. So, they’re in a death spiral. I guess the guys thought they could pump themselves up a bit so they’ll continue to seem relevant or liked or something.
Well, we’re here to tell you that with no effort, we spiked to 2000 pageviews, uh we mean hits, uh actually unique visitors last week too. The best part is, all we had to do was show up. We didn’t even write an article and we’re sure nobody likes us.
We suggest you kiss both cheeks and give a little tickle to the middle.