Category Archives: Amazon Peeps
I know we had an agreement, but we’re hurting baby. We’ve been listening to Bonnie Tyler, Air Supply and Phil Collins all night at Auditorz HQ.
And we need to come clean…
Studios Steph and The REAL Auditorz of Amazon were married for 5 years.
We were young. We met in college. She wanted to be a journalist. We wanted to say we were dating a journalist. It was practically Love Story. Except you didn’t die or go to Harvard, and lets face it, you’re no Ryan O’Neil. And, of course, we’re a lot better looking than Ally McGraw.
Do you remember moving into my mother’s basement? You remember what you said to me?
No, after you said this felt like a terrible mistake.
You said, you’d live anywhere we were.
Well what the fuck happened you fickle whore?
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that (yes I did). I’m just hurting, baby. I’m hurting really bad.
I keep remembering all the fun we had together…
Like when you co-signed for my Kia.
Or when you gave access to your checking account.
Or that time, after the Superbowl, that the basement got robbed and all your jewelry was taken and pawned by a guy who liked me on the security footage, but couldn’t have been me because I was visiting my friend Ned that day.
We fucking love you, baby.
You’re not like other girls.
You make us feel romantic, in a “I’m going to South Padre Island for spring break and I’m just packing a bottle of Old Grand Dad and jar of vaseline” kinda way.
We’d like a second chance. We’d like to court you, Steph. We’d like to court the shit out of you.
We know the world of letters can be a cold one. All these prissy little screenwriters who want to make you out to be the reason nobody liked their action / adventure adaptation of Ulyses (it’s set in Dublin, California now and centers on the drug trade). No matter what you do or how hard you work, they’ll find something you didn’t do for them and proceed to spend all night ripping you about it in a forum. Because, damn it, talking to a bunch of other pudknocking wannabes about it will definitely make all their scripts better. And, as everyone knows, if you’re unhappy with the message, publicly flogging and denigrating the messenger is the best way to show it.
We’re hoping that maybe because everyone treats you so shitty, your self-esteem might just be low enough that you’d consider taking us back. So, if your credit score is still good enough to co-sign for a Hyundai cross-over, we want you back. The basement beckons. Come home, baby….
Love, The REAL Auditorz