Love The Baby

We’re still working on Part 2 of our Auditorz/Stern/Mezzy opus, but we noticed today that the other guyz put a post up today that celebrated Richard Stern’s script falling to the number #2 spot on Amazon scripts. That’s cool, but why make fun of the guy’s kid? Specifically leading with the headline, “Kick The Baby.” That’s not cool, guys.

Now that Sterno’s little one is back in the #1 spot we suggest an alternative….

Jury is still out on Stern as a writer, but as proud mamas and papas ourselves, we like the kid.

UPDATED:

Sorry, Mezzy. We deleted your comment. Say anything you want about the Amazon contest or the people who participate.  Comments about people’s children, or their parenting skills, goes too far, though.  There are lots of people on AS who have posted pictures of themselves, their children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, etc… Jeff/Auditorz actually has one posted. This is not a reason to attack them. Let’s keep it about the work and the conduct of participants, please. 

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HOLY CRAP

Our traffic doubled today from our all-time high. And we thought THEO was a hot story. We now understand why the Jeff likes to talk about Stern and Mezzy. Those dingleberries are fucking traffic machines. We’re gonna post something about those bitches everyday from now on!!!!!!!

The Auditorz Saga: Part 1, “You fuck with me, now I fuck with you”

DISCLAIMER

We barely graduated from high school. It’s fun investigating leads and shit, we do the best we can, but ultimately, this entire article is a guess. This isn’t a court of law. We’re not prosecutors or judges. We’re just a bunch of guys following a story. Take a look at what we’ve learned and make up your own mind. 

Everything is better with smart, hot, asian chicks talking about auditing… mmmmm… internal and external auditing, baby.

We digress… The REAL auditorz received a comment on the piece we did on Theo that said…

“Hey Mezzy, like the site. Want a scoop on Stern and J Nel? Email me.”

Once and for all… we’re not Mezzy. We did want the scoop, though. So we emailed our tipster. He’s an Amazon writer who we also know from TriggerStreet. He’s legit, but didn’t want the spotlight on this one, so until the authorities come for us, we’ve agreed to keep his identity private. Although, he’s reserved the right to post a piece in the future.

Like many readers, we’ve wondered why the other guys have taken such an interest in Mr. Stern. We’re not fans of this fellas work, but we haven’t exactly seen him acting like a total asshole either. Truthfully, we haven’t seen him much at all and we’ve NEVER seen him talking about the Auditorz. The worst you could say is that he’s arrogant, but come on, we’re arrogant. Anyone that writes “Fade Out” and wins a prize thinks they’re Bill Friggin’ Goldman these days. Even fucking Gary, who is the salt of the earth, is writing editorials and starting contests of his own for christsakes.

Don’t get us wrong, we’re not defending or even liking, Mr. Stern. He’s got a house, wife and kids – we live in a basement. Fuck him. We just want to know what makes him so special?

Our tipster claims that Mezzy wasn’t lying when he posted in the Amazon forums:

“I hacked the auditor blog recently and it is indeed J Nel or Jeff Nelson running it. I’m unsure if there are other people writing posts and sending them to J Nel to throw up on that blog. But the ip matched where J Nel lists he’s from. Read his script Inferno and you’ll see what writing level the auditor is at. SPOILER ALERT – he’s a shitty writer.”

Our tipster claims Jeff is not alone and Charlie Chan a.k.a. Banana Fish is involved too, but we’ve only seen circumstantial evidence – so we don’t want to give him credit / sully his name unnecessarily.

But our tipster highlighted an apparently history between J Nel and Mr. Stern. And in this series of articles, we hope to show through Jeff/Auditorz beef with Stern began, in part, as a response to a to an event that we’ll call the SINGULARITY (yes, we’re Star Trek geeks, motherfuckers).

Early on, Jeff and Sterny got along. Stern posted in his forum, so Jeff posted in his forum. Stern posted a trailer, so Jeff got the same guy who did Stern’s to do one too. It’s like the beginning of Single White Female between these two mammy-rammers.

Then the singularity occurred. Supposedly, Jeff and a few friends got their nose out of whack that folks were padding their reviews on AS. They decided to take action. The story goes that J Nel took it personally upon himself to “call some people out” the result is a series of posts under the name “Richard W.” This was allegedly the first time Jeff assumed a fake identity on the site and started “auditing.” He may have used “Richard W.” intentionally to implicate, Mr. Stern. That part of the story is murky at best. What is clear is that Stern gets it in his head that Jeff  is behind the post and accuses Jeff here:

http://studios.amazon.com/discussions/Tx219HMKG5PQEXR?page=2

That alone doesn’t mean much. Just two dumb shits accusing one another of crap. And believe us, we’ve been pouring through posts by these two fucking loudmouths for the past 24 hours… they’re both fucking verbose motherfuckers who love to read their words in print(like us!!). Stern is spouting off about the spec market. Shut the fuck up!! Jeff makes a series of posts where teaches screenwriting (these do sound eerily like a clean version of the Auditorz, though). Both of you guys need to get a life.

But we digress…

After the SINGULARITY occurred, the very next day we’re told, Mr. Stern turns an otherwise sparkling review of Jeff Nelson’s opus “Inferno” into a one-star slam. You can see it here:

It was this argument and insult that turned Jeff on Richard. The next day, we’ve been told there was a forum posted by “Sleuth” on Stern’s account. What followed was an epic confrontation between these two nitwits. This, apparently, was deleted by Amazon and is allegedly, again, Jeff. In the weeks ahead, Jeff/Auditorz went on a tear where there were many more posts/ slams that led up to the now infamous HOOVERGATE scandal.

Was it Jeff? Was it Charlie? Are the Auditorz really a creation of Mr. Stern himself? Don’t make up your mind yet…

STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO: ATTACK OF THE AUDITORZ:

– Long before HOOVERGATE why were the Auditorz attacking Stern then bragging about it in forums?

– Who was really behind HOOVERGATE?

– Why are the Auditorz working day and night to discredit Mezzy?

– Is Theo really Roy Price?

These answers and many lay ahead….

Sincerely,

The REAL Auditorz

We’ve Been Deep Throated!

Drama!!!!!!!

We always thought it was weird that the other auditorz have singled out Richard Stern and Rob Ross (aka Mezzy) as the boogeymen of Amazon.

Yes, they’re hacks – but so are we.

Then this morning we received a comment that had some juicy revelations about the other auditorz and the REAL reason they hate Richard Stern and Rob Ross (aka Mezzy) so much. We haven’t published the comment yet because we want to see if what this person says is true. If it is, well, it doesn’t look good.

We started this site as a joke. We have no aspirations to be taken seriously. We’re not Mezzy or Stern, but it seems we’re being roped into this fight. So we’re going to put it to our readers…

Do you want to know the truth?

Theo Speaks!

Theo Rossi finally came out of hiding and published this in our comments section today:

I don’t care what you write about me as a person within reason, but you 
can’t use my copyrighted images and script. So, please remove it. Anyone 
in this business knows you can not use copyrighted images and text without 
written permission.Obviously you have no clue.The reason we have closed 
websites because of assholes like you, who has no respect for material 
created by others. It was a good decison. Dude, the burden of proof is 
on YOU to prove your audience that you’re correct what you’re saying is 
true about me. Until then, you’re just a blowing smoke through your ass. 
That’s the way it works in the court, if you accuse someone, you better 
be right and have proof. You have none. Evidently you have a problem 
with people who made it in this business and well off financially 
as I am. So, be it, and let your petty, vindictive personality 
show the world how you really are. I could care less. But be 
careful with your post(s) when you’re trying to destroy my 
reputation and business. That, my friend, is a no-no. Google 
the recent tweet by someone badmouthing a person in business and 
they had to pay $450,000 in damages for that ‘freedom of speech’ 
kind of thing. I assume you haven’t a pot to piss in, so I 
can’t sue you and it would be waste of my time, but I have 
other recources/options at my disposal and may use it if you 
continue.Being desperate and trying to use anyone and anything 
to get attention to your blog is showing. Attacking Calvin, a pastor
who is very decent person, because he is my friend is uncalled 
for. This is the first and last message I’ll leave here and never 
come back. If my copyrighted work is not taken down, I’ll report 
you to wordpress and let them deal with you. Just in case you are 
deleting this message, I’ll post it on the ‘real’ auditorz site as well. 
Unlike a fake one as yours, who couldn’t come up with an original 
name and had to steal that one due to lack of imagination. 
I’ll have someone check on this site if have complied with 
my request to remove copyrighted works belongs to me.
Theo

Petty? Vindictive? Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black, Theo?

You spend nearly everyday on an attack blog. You rag on Amazon – which we can understandBut you also rag on other writers – which we don’t. You’re unyielding and positively vapid. You tear apart their work, mercilessly. Your basis for doing so is a claim of “expertise” and all we’re saying (in our smart-ass way) is we’d like to see your credentials.

We searched a number of industry recognized resources and could not find your name anywhere. We found no credits for you. We found no press releases with your name. We found no listing for you in the writers, directors or producers guilds. For someone “who made it in the business” and is as “financially well-off” as you claim you are, we think that’s strange. 

Even stranger, the one writing sample we did find for you wasn’t very good. Everything about it – format, content, tone, grammar – all suggested that you were not an accomplished writer, but rather, an amateur.

In the United States, when someone claims that something written about them is false (libel), the burden is on THEM to prove it. Not the other way around. We want to be fair to you, Theo. A single verifiable credit from you would completely destroy the tiny shred of credibility we have and win you a complete, total, apology.

We don’t censor our boards, so you can publicly post it here. If you want to keep your real identity private, send the credit to us, let us verify it, and we’ll agree not to publish the details. If you don’t trust us, let the other auditorz verify it and send us their blessing. 

Otherwise, our original posts stands. You’ve been called out, and spanked, for being an asshole. Happens to the best of us.



NEW HIGH SCORE!!!!

The REAL Auditorz just had their most trafficked day evah!!!

Talking smack about people you don’t really know is the key to blogosphere stardom!

Theo Rossi: Man Of The People – or – Ass Clown? (updated)

Theo Rossi has been kicking around Amazon Studios for a long time (shit, that old fart has been kicking around the world a long time). He’s boasted publicly about being a very successful and well-connected producer / director / film executive who retired to a life of independent cinema.

Interestingly, he’s refused on many occasions to supply any real details about his life experience. It isn’t even clear that Theo Rossi is his real name.

What is clear, though, is that he’s opinionated — and yes — a bit of a jerk. So much so, we’ve often thought of Theo and his buddy the good Reverend Calvin (all that bible stuff about not gossiping doesn’t apply to talking smack online, right padre?) as Amazon’s very own Statler & Waldorf:

Today, Theo changed all that. Check out this post he just threw up on Amazon:

http://studios.amazon.com/discussions/Tx15D1IAVIECQ1C

Theo isn’t a cantankerous old dude who likes run his mouth. He’s a total and complete ass-clown whose only real talent is kissing the collective arses of other anonymous ass-clowns — like us.

Seriously, Theo hasn’t posted any work on Amazon Studios. He talks a great game about how talented he is and what an authority his vast experience makes him – BUT WON’T ACTUALLY SHOW ANYONE HIS WORK.

Moreover, what kind of person visits a site EVERY DAY for a contest he claims to despise?

We put this question to our crack squad of FoxNews interns and former Enron auditorz. They did some digging and here’s what they found:

First, check out http://thechemistmovie.com. There you’ll find Theo’s idea of a compelling teaser website.

Check out this all-pro poster:

CENSORED BY THEO ROSSI (Theo asked that we don’t use his image, so we’ve just taken a screen shot of his publicly available webpage instead – you can also visit it directly, if he doesn’t pull the site down)

We found it incredibly sketchy that this project has no synopsis, casting information or director’s statement. How exactly do you cast actors without telling them ANYTHING about your film, wise one? If you can believe it, his company website for t-rex bones productions has even less information.

Then we really looked at the poster – Theo’s creative vision, if you will – and it’s basically a creepy old dude checking out a hot goth chick. We’re betting that’s Theo, by the way. What do you want to wager he hangs around Starbucks propositioning every “actress” he sees. Fame and fortune  await, but first, we’ll need to do a screen test in the back of Uncle Theo’s van, darling…

CREEPY OLD PERVERT ALERT:

So maybe he’s a lousy director and producer. And maybe he is a creepy old dude. That doesn’t mean he’s not a great writer, right?

WRONG.

We found the following radio play hiding out on his website – judge for yourself:

CENSORED BY THEO ROSSI (Theo asked we take his writing sample down and we did. Yadda, yadda, yadda – it sucked)

We think Family Guy did it better, Theo:

Theo, you’re a hack. Worse, you’re a preening hack with delusions of grandeur. If you have (or had) any talent, it is completely absent from anything we found online. That’s the lesson that everyone involved in Amazon Studios should learn from Theo. People who actually have talent don’t hide it from the world. They also don’t vapidly criticize everyone else’s work for sport. Only hacks like us and Uncle Theo do that.

Please friends, be wary of people like Theo Rossi. Be wary of us! If someone is so talented that they CANNOT post their work on Amazon (or anywhere else) you should call bullshit instead of letting them rant on. People who are genuinely talented don’t spend their days tearing other people down. That’s what people who are bitter and frustrated do – again, we should know.

Prove us wrong, Theo. Please share a writing sample and we’ll post it here and eat our words. Ten pages from any script, and any ten pages will do.

Otherwise…

Sincerely,

Your friends The REAL Auditorz

To avoid confusion…

We’ve once again changed our theme.

We hope you’re McLovin it.

Sincerely,

The REAL Auditorz of Amazon

Studio Steph

I know we had an agreement, but we’re hurting baby. We’ve been listening to Bonnie Tyler, Air Supply and Phil Collins all night at Auditorz HQ.

And we need to come clean…

Studios Steph and The REAL Auditorz of Amazon were married for 5 years.

We were young. We met in college. She wanted to be a journalist. We wanted to say we were dating a journalist. It was practically Love Story. Except you didn’t die or go to Harvard, and lets face it, you’re no Ryan O’Neil. And, of course, we’re a lot better looking than Ally McGraw.

Do you remember moving into my mother’s basement? You remember what you said to me?

No, after you said this felt like a terrible mistake.

You said, you’d live anywhere we were.

Well what the fuck happened you fickle whore?

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that (yes I did). I’m just hurting, baby. I’m hurting really bad.

I keep remembering all the fun we had together…

Like when you co-signed for my Kia.

Or when you gave access to your checking account.

Or that time, after the Superbowl, that the basement got robbed and all your jewelry was taken and pawned by a guy who liked me on the security footage, but couldn’t have been me because I was visiting my friend Ned that day.

We fucking love you, baby.

You’re not like other girls.

You’re different.

Smart.

Classy.

You make us feel romantic, in a “I’m going to South Padre Island for spring break and I’m just packing a bottle of Old Grand Dad and jar of vaseline” kinda way.

We’d like a second chance. We’d like to court you, Steph. We’d like to court the shit out of you.

We know the world of letters can be a cold one. All these prissy little screenwriters who want to make you out to be the reason nobody liked their action / adventure adaptation of Ulyses (it’s set in Dublin, California now and centers on the drug trade). No matter what you do or how hard you work, they’ll find something you didn’t do for them and proceed to spend all night ripping you about it in a forum. Because, damn it, talking to a bunch of other pudknocking wannabes about it will definitely make all their scripts better. And, as everyone knows, if you’re unhappy with the message, publicly flogging and denigrating the messenger is the best way to show it.

We’re hoping that maybe because everyone treats you so shitty, your self-esteem might just be low enough that you’d consider taking us back. So, if your credit score is still good enough to co-sign for a Hyundai cross-over, we want you back. The basement beckons. Come home, baby….

Love, The REAL Auditorz

Cooking The Books

It has come to our attention that the impostors, whose name we shall not utter on this site, have been crowing about their recent spike in traffic.

This got us thinking…

There are only 6 people commenting on their site (and we’re pretty sure at least two of them are the boys from Cincinnati themselves. Didn’t you know that that’s where 2 of the ringleaders of that stupid blog were from? More on that later.) They also lost ads on their blog, which means that they have fallen below 25,000 pageviews a month. Note we said pageviews, not visitors. They could easily soar past that number if they were really getting 2500 unique visitors a day. And then there is this odd mistake where they acknowledge that while they said 2500 HITS originally, they really meant UNIQUE VISITORS. This is a mistake nobody would ever make who has spent five minutes running a website, much less the last 5 months.

What does all this mean?

They’re cooking the books. We’ve known for sometime that their site has been on the decline. This may come as a shock, but besides the two geriatric blowhards that live in their comments section, nobody gives a rats ass. So, they’re in a death spiral. I guess the guys thought they could pump themselves up a bit so they’ll continue to seem relevant or liked or something.

Well, we’re here to tell you that with no effort, we spiked to 2000 pageviews, uh we mean hits, uh actually unique visitors last week too. The best part is, all we had to do was show up. We didn’t even write an article and we’re sure nobody likes us.

We suggest you kiss both cheeks and give a little tickle to the middle.